for a half-an-hour without his parent outside with him. Both give him increasing amount of confidence but neither is dangerous as the window faces the section he is playing in.

If you fail to learn to handle your children's search for independence, you risk losing them completely. If you never listen to them, they may stop talking to you about their desires and growing need for independence. If you think for them and always control their thoughts as much as possible, then you risk the point where they say, 'enough' and walk away. It could be as adults.

To support your child's natural search for independence, it's time to do the following:

1. Listen with an open mind.

2. Try to brainstorm for compromises when it is inappropriate.

3. Set natural boundaries to their growth.

ie. you can't get your ears pierced until you are eleven.
ie. you cannot date until you are sixteen.
ie. you cannot go to the mailbox by yourself until you are five and a half.

And so forth...

A child

There is no other way to say it but independence builds strong children. So why then do we as parents circumvent the process?

Sure, we all want our children to grow up but on our terms. We want them to grow up so they can put their own clothes on, get ready for school or parties, participate and do chores. We never said they could just grow up any way they pleased and when they think they can, it can get downright ugly.

For some parents, the first match is no holds barred. They try to get there before their children and smother them in cotton batten protection, forcing them to defer all decisions to the parents. The autocratic parent hides behind rules controlling every part of their development. But what if you the parent are the middle of the road? What then? Or more to the point, what if your technique isn't working and children are taking their independence despite your best efforts.

If you've ever seen middle of the road parents, they aren't too quick to a temper but they are in charge. They are often admired and yet for some reason their children behave for the most part.

But the middle of the road parent has it together. Here's why. They borrow from the over protective parent by praising the independent steps the child takes, even when it hurts a little. And they borrow from the autocratic parent by setting rules and limits to the independence while good naturedly compromising here and there.

Here's an example.

Sam has never been the kind of child other parents immediately recognize as wonderful. Sometimes he seems so impulsive. He asks his parents a tonne of times if he can vacuum at age three and a half and they keep deferring the decision by rights more to do with the vacuum than the child.

Suddenly, Sam picks up the vacuum and gets the job started. At first both parents who are fairly middle of the road worry about socks ruining the vacuum but then the father realizes that the child really knows what he's doing. "Like that, Sam," the father says. "Try to go in strips."

Sam receives praise and love for his actions. Keep in mind, he took this independent step himself. He stole his independence right out from underneath them but at the same time, the parents, seeing how it goes, decides that they will capitulate completely on this one and save their ire for another day.

Here's another example.

Marcy is three and a half and she wants to stay a baby. Her parents are also more middle of the road, thanks in part to having Sam as their first born child. Whenever they force chores on her, she doesn't do them and to force her to do them causes great family turmoil. So instead, the parents decide to coddle her a little. Rather than giving her a big chore, they give her tiny chores that are readily available to accomplish. They put stars up when she does them and praise her a lot. By doing so, they are pushing her toward independence but not doing it in an autocratic way.

Here's one more example.

Martin always wants to babysit the other two children. The parents feel that this is inappropriate with him being a mere five. But he talks to them about how he feels when he is in charge and both parents listen with a somewhat open mind. They tell him that when he turns six, he can supervise one of the children in the next room. This is about setting limits to what a six year old child can reasonably do. Martin feels that he has been listened to and though his parents will never leave the house of course, he will have that bit of independence he craves.

Here's another example:

Lately, John who has just turned six wants to leave his house and go out for a walk by himself. He wants to walk himself to school, go get something to eat at the store and generally be an adult. The autocratic parent just says no. The coddler says 'absolutely no way, Jose'. But both approaches would frustrate John who has put a lot of thought into this.

So to support him, they have set up certain things he is allowed to do. He can go to the super mailbox by himself. He can play with the shovel and snow by himself for a half-an-hour without his parent outside with him. Both give him increasing amount of confidence but neither is dangerous as the window faces the section he is playing in.

If you fail to learn to handle your children's search for independence, you risk losing them completely. If you never listen to them, they may stop talking to you about their desires and growing need for independence. If you think for them and always control their thoughts as much as possible, then you risk the point where they say, 'enough' and walk away. It could be as adults.

To support your child's natural search for independence, it's time to do the following:

1. Listen with an open mind.

2. Try to brainstorm for compromises when it is inappropriate.

3. Set natural boundaries to their growth.

ie. you can't get your ears pierced until you are eleven.
ie. you cannot date until you are sixteen.
ie. you cannot go to the mailbox by yourself until you are five and a half.

And so forth...

A child

ten admired and yet for some reason their children behave for the most part.

But the middle of the road parent has it together. Here's why. They borrow from the over protective parent by praising the independent steps the child takes, even when it hurts a little. And they borrow from the autocratic parent by setting rules and limits to the independence while good naturedly compromising here and there.

Here's an example.

Sam has never been the kind of child other parents immediately recognize as wonderful. Sometimes he seems so impulsive. He asks his parents a tonne of times if he can vacuum at age three and a half and they keep deferring the decision by rights more to do with the vacuum than the child.

Suddenly, Sam picks up the vacuum and gets the job started. At first both parents who are fairly middle of the road worry about socks ruining the vacuum but then the father realizes that the child really knows what he's doing. "Like that, Sam," the father says. "Try to go in strips."

Sam receives praise and love for his actions. Keep in mind, he took this independent step himself. He stole his independence right out from underneath them but at the same time, the parents, seeing how it goes, decides that they will capitulate completely on this one and save their ire for another day.

Here's another example.

Marcy is three and a half and she wants to stay a baby. Her parents are also more middle of the road, thanks in part to having Sam as their first born child. Whenever they force chores on her, she doesn't do them and to force her to do them causes great family turmoil. So instead, the parents decide to coddle her a little. Rather than giving her a big chore, they give her tiny chores that are readily available to accomplish. They put stars up when she does them and praise her a lot. By doing so, they are pushing her toward independence but not doing it in an autocratic way.

Here's one more example.

Martin always wants to babysit the other two children. The parents feel that this is inappropriate with him being a mere five. But he talks to them about how he feels when he is in charge and both parents listen with a somewhat open mind. They tell him that when he turns six, he can supervise one of the children in the next room. This is about setting limits to what a six year old child can reasonably do. Martin feels that he has been listened to and though his parents will never leave the house of course, he will have that bit of independence he craves.

Here's another example:

Lately, John who has just turned six wants to leave his house and go out for a walk by himself. He wants to walk himself to school, go get something to eat at the store and generally be an adult. The autocratic parent just says no. The coddler says 'absolutely no way, Jose'. But both approaches would frustrate John who has put a lot of thought into this.

So to support him, they have set up certain things he is allowed to do. He can go to the super mailbox by himself. He can play with the shovel and snow by himself for a half-an-hour without his parent outside with him. Both give him increasing amount of confidence but neither is dangerous as the window faces the section he is playing in.

If you fail to learn to handle your children's search for independence, you risk losing them completely. If you never listen to them, they may stop talking to you about their desires and growing need for independence. If you think for them and always control their thoughts as much as possible, then you risk the point where they say, 'enough' and walk away. It could be as adults.

To support your child's natural search for independence, it's time to do the following:

1. Listen with an open mind.

2. Try to brainstorm for compromises when it is inappropriate.

3. Set natural boundaries to their growth.

ie. you can't get your ears pierced until you are eleven.
ie. you cannot date until you are sixteen.
ie. you cannot go to the mailbox by yourself until you are five and a half.

And so forth...

A child

es praise and love for his actions. Keep in mind, he took this independent step himself. He stole his independence right out from underneath them but at the same time, the parents, seeing how it goes, decides that they will capitulate completely on this one and save their ire for another day.

Here's another example.

Marcy is three and a half and she wants to stay a baby. Her parents are also more middle of the road, thanks in part to having Sam as their first born child. Whenever they force chores on her, she doesn't do them and to force her to do them causes great family turmoil. So instead, the parents decide to coddle her a little. Rather than giving her a big chore, they give her tiny chores that are readily available to accomplish. They put stars up when she does them and praise her a lot. By doing so, they are pushing her toward independence but not doing it in an autocratic way.

Here's one more example.

Martin always wants to babysit the other two children. The parents feel that this is inappropriate with him being a mere five. But he talks to them about how he feels when he is in charge and both parents listen with a somewhat open mind. They tell him that when he turns six, he can supervise one of the children in the next room. This is about setting limits to what a six year old child can reasonably do. Martin feels that he has been listened to and though his parents will never leave the house of course, he will have that bit of independence he craves.

Here's another example:

Lately, John who has just turned six wants to leave his house and go out for a walk by himself. He wants to walk himself to school, go get something to eat at the store and generally be an adult. The autocratic parent just says no. The coddler says 'absolutely no way, Jose'. But both approaches would frustrate John who has put a lot of thought into this.

So to support him, they have set up certain things he is allowed to do. He can go to the super mailbox by himself. He can play with the shovel and snow by himself for a half-an-hour without his parent outside with him. Both give him increasing amount of confidence but neither is dangerous as the window faces the section he is playing in.

If you fail to learn to handle your children's search for independence, you risk losing them completely. If you never listen to them, they may stop talking to you about their desires and growing need for independence. If you think for them and always control their thoughts as much as possible, then you risk the point where they say, 'enough' and walk away. It could be as adults.

To support your child's natural search for independence, it's time to do the following:

1. Listen with an open mind.

2. Try to brainstorm for compromises when it is inappropriate.

3. Set natural boundaries to their growth.

ie. you can't get your ears pierced until you are eleven.
ie. you cannot date until you are sixteen.
ie. you cannot go to the mailbox by yourself until you are five and a half.

And so forth...

A child

ppropriate with him being a mere five. But he talks to them about how he feels when he is in charge and both parents listen with a somewhat open mind. They tell him that when he turns six, he can supervise one of the children in the next room. This is about setting limits to what a six year old child can reasonably do. Martin feels that he has been listened to and though his parents will never leave the house of course, he will have that bit of independence he craves.

Here's another example:

Lately, John who has just turned six wants to leave his house and go out for a walk by himself. He wants to walk himself to school, go get something to eat at the store and generally be an adult. The autocratic parent just says no. The coddler says 'absolutely no way, Jose'. But both approaches would frustrate John who has put a lot of thought into this.

So to support him, they have set up certain things he is allowed to do. He can go to the super mailbox by himself. He can play with the shovel and snow by himself for a half-an-hour without his parent outside with him. Both give him increasing amount of confidence but neither is dangerous as the window faces the section he is playing in.

If you fail to learn to handle your children's search for independence, you risk losing them completely. If you never listen to them, they may stop talking to you about their desires and growing need for independence. If you think for them and always control their thoughts as much as possible, then you risk the point where they say, 'enough' and walk away. It could be as adults.

To support your child's natural search for independence, it's time to do the following:

1. Listen with an open mind.

2. Try to brainstorm for compromises when it is inappropriate.

3. Set natural boundaries to their growth.

ie. you can't get your ears pierced until you are eleven.
ie. you cannot date until you are sixteen.
ie. you cannot go to the mailbox by yourself until you are five and a half.

And so forth...

A child

for a half-an-hour without his parent outside with him. Both give him increasing amount of confidence but neither is dangerous as the window faces the section he is playing in.

If you fail to learn to handle your children's search for independence, you risk losing them completely. If you never listen to them, they may stop talking to you about their desires and growing need for independence. If you think for them and always control their thoughts as much as possible, then you risk the point where they say, 'enough' and walk away. It could be as adults.

To support your child's natural search for independence, it's time to do the following:

1. Listen with an open mind.

2. Try to brainstorm for compromises when it is inappropriate.

3. Set natural boundaries to their growth.

ie. you can't get your ears pierced until you are eleven.
ie. you cannot date until you are sixteen.
ie. you cannot go to the mailbox by yourself until you are five and a half.

And so forth...

A child that knows that independence is being earned either by age, reputation of the child or past behavior will respond better in all situations, even as an adult. They know that independence is not a fight and therefore will not try to break away from the parent.

A child who knows that they can go get their ears pierced on their sixth birthday or get their driver's license on their sixteenth birthday is more confident that change is coming and naturally happier.