son our relatives and friends imagine us to be - wearers of stylish clothes, good with gadgets, lovers of books, fond of bric-a-brac. Gifts that fail to address our complexity are potentially unpleasing. Even with books, The Joy of Cooking or The Joy of Sex, a best-selling novel or a coffee-table book has its own time and place.

Our gifts parody people; we treat women too exaggeratedly as women, and men too much as men. Husbands are gifted the electric shavers they never use, women are routinely given bottles of perfume.

A memorable present would speak to that elusive entity, the secret self. Because the secret self is hard to find, gift-givers concentrate on the self's more obvious parts. A golfer gets golf balls, a dandy

The hunger for gifts is a "hunger for approval, importance, affection and love," says Dawn Bryan, author of The Art and Etiquette of Gift Giving. And she adds that, to the extent women are insecure in these areas, gifts assume a loaded significance. Men who have traditionally enjoyed greater economic independence, don't see gift-giving so important and vital.

Women tend to make a big deal out of gifts, men don't. This can sometimes spell tension. Again, women retain long memories about gifts. Men generally shrug off the experience of receiving a dud.

Here, one isn't talking of the increasingly elaborate and expensive gifts given by businesses in the name X-mas and New Year greetings; it's about gifts among relatives and friends. And possibly, no gift-giving area is so tricky as the exchange of gifts between couples, especially on birthdays and marriage anniversaries. Gift-giving between couples can easily backfire.

Husbands have an in-built tendency to gift useful objects; things they think will make the life of their mate easier, such as a microwave oven or a vacuum cleaner. But, for wives, nothing equals a gift of jewellery (including a trendy watch), with a silk sari far down as the second best. Perfumes, women often prefer to select and buy, on their own.

A holiday trip is an excellent gift. But, then it still has to be supplemented by a gift article.

One theory why so many gifts from husbands go awry is that men learn about gifts from their mothers, and these lessons stick on for long. Mothers are easily gratified by any gifts - a pair of slippers or a breadcutter - from their teenage kids. Wives expect more imaginative, more memorable gifts. And not only must a gift impress the receiver in some circles, it must stand the scrutiny of finicky friends as well. It's like show and tell. "What did he give you for the marriage anniversary or on your birthday?" - is a question commonly asked.

One wife who has been getting good gifts advises, "Accept all his gifts. For the first couple of years, these may be awful but don't say so or you'll scare him off. He'll stop giving you things. If you're enthusiastic, he'll get better with time. Giving gifts between couples is like sex; if you stick with it, it gets better, and a cheerful response over time encourages a better performance. If gifts are offers of love, they often demand the greatest act of love in return - refraining from saying what exactly you think." That brings us to the intriguing subject of gift-taking. The task of a gift-receiver often demands great applications of tact and indulgence. We've all get gifts on occasions that would strain the patience of a saint.

Possibly, one should accept gifts the way a ballet dancer receives flowers at the end of a performance - without looking at them too closely and taking them as her due. Some people have this talent. They are a pleasure to give to.

A gift tells us what kind of a person our relatives and friends imagine us to be - wearers of stylish clothes, good with gadgets, lovers of books, fond of bric-a-brac. Gifts that fail to address our complexity are potentially unpleasing. Even with books, The Joy of Cooking or The Joy of Sex, a best-selling novel or a coffee-table book has its own time and place.

Our gifts parody people; we treat women too exaggeratedly as women, and men too much as men. Husbands are gifted the electric shavers they never use, women are routinely given bottles of perfume.

A memorable present would speak to that elusive entity, the secret self. Because the secret self is hard to find, gift-givers concentrate on the self's more obvious parts. A golfer gets golf balls, a dandy g

ends. And possibly, no gift-giving area is so tricky as the exchange of gifts between couples, especially on birthdays and marriage anniversaries. Gift-giving between couples can easily backfire.

Husbands have an in-built tendency to gift useful objects; things they think will make the life of their mate easier, such as a microwave oven or a vacuum cleaner. But, for wives, nothing equals a gift of jewellery (including a trendy watch), with a silk sari far down as the second best. Perfumes, women often prefer to select and buy, on their own.

A holiday trip is an excellent gift. But, then it still has to be supplemented by a gift article.

One theory why so many gifts from husbands go awry is that men learn about gifts from their mothers, and these lessons stick on for long. Mothers are easily gratified by any gifts - a pair of slippers or a breadcutter - from their teenage kids. Wives expect more imaginative, more memorable gifts. And not only must a gift impress the receiver in some circles, it must stand the scrutiny of finicky friends as well. It's like show and tell. "What did he give you for the marriage anniversary or on your birthday?" - is a question commonly asked.

One wife who has been getting good gifts advises, "Accept all his gifts. For the first couple of years, these may be awful but don't say so or you'll scare him off. He'll stop giving you things. If you're enthusiastic, he'll get better with time. Giving gifts between couples is like sex; if you stick with it, it gets better, and a cheerful response over time encourages a better performance. If gifts are offers of love, they often demand the greatest act of love in return - refraining from saying what exactly you think." That brings us to the intriguing subject of gift-taking. The task of a gift-receiver often demands great applications of tact and indulgence. We've all get gifts on occasions that would strain the patience of a saint.

Possibly, one should accept gifts the way a ballet dancer receives flowers at the end of a performance - without looking at them too closely and taking them as her due. Some people have this talent. They are a pleasure to give to.

A gift tells us what kind of a person our relatives and friends imagine us to be - wearers of stylish clothes, good with gadgets, lovers of books, fond of bric-a-brac. Gifts that fail to address our complexity are potentially unpleasing. Even with books, The Joy of Cooking or The Joy of Sex, a best-selling novel or a coffee-table book has its own time and place.

Our gifts parody people; we treat women too exaggeratedly as women, and men too much as men. Husbands are gifted the electric shavers they never use, women are routinely given bottles of perfume.

A memorable present would speak to that elusive entity, the secret self. Because the secret self is hard to find, gift-givers concentrate on the self's more obvious parts. A golfer gets golf balls, a dandy

rom their mothers, and these lessons stick on for long. Mothers are easily gratified by any gifts - a pair of slippers or a breadcutter - from their teenage kids. Wives expect more imaginative, more memorable gifts. And not only must a gift impress the receiver in some circles, it must stand the scrutiny of finicky friends as well. It's like show and tell. "What did he give you for the marriage anniversary or on your birthday?" - is a question commonly asked.

One wife who has been getting good gifts advises, "Accept all his gifts. For the first couple of years, these may be awful but don't say so or you'll scare him off. He'll stop giving you things. If you're enthusiastic, he'll get better with time. Giving gifts between couples is like sex; if you stick with it, it gets better, and a cheerful response over time encourages a better performance. If gifts are offers of love, they often demand the greatest act of love in return - refraining from saying what exactly you think." That brings us to the intriguing subject of gift-taking. The task of a gift-receiver often demands great applications of tact and indulgence. We've all get gifts on occasions that would strain the patience of a saint.

Possibly, one should accept gifts the way a ballet dancer receives flowers at the end of a performance - without looking at them too closely and taking them as her due. Some people have this talent. They are a pleasure to give to.

A gift tells us what kind of a person our relatives and friends imagine us to be - wearers of stylish clothes, good with gadgets, lovers of books, fond of bric-a-brac. Gifts that fail to address our complexity are potentially unpleasing. Even with books, The Joy of Cooking or The Joy of Sex, a best-selling novel or a coffee-table book has its own time and place.

Our gifts parody people; we treat women too exaggeratedly as women, and men too much as men. Husbands are gifted the electric shavers they never use, women are routinely given bottles of perfume.

A memorable present would speak to that elusive entity, the secret self. Because the secret self is hard to find, gift-givers concentrate on the self's more obvious parts. A golfer gets golf balls, a dandy

is like sex; if you stick with it, it gets better, and a cheerful response over time encourages a better performance. If gifts are offers of love, they often demand the greatest act of love in return - refraining from saying what exactly you think." That brings us to the intriguing subject of gift-taking. The task of a gift-receiver often demands great applications of tact and indulgence. We've all get gifts on occasions that would strain the patience of a saint.

Possibly, one should accept gifts the way a ballet dancer receives flowers at the end of a performance - without looking at them too closely and taking them as her due. Some people have this talent. They are a pleasure to give to.

A gift tells us what kind of a person our relatives and friends imagine us to be - wearers of stylish clothes, good with gadgets, lovers of books, fond of bric-a-brac. Gifts that fail to address our complexity are potentially unpleasing. Even with books, The Joy of Cooking or The Joy of Sex, a best-selling novel or a coffee-table book has its own time and place.

Our gifts parody people; we treat women too exaggeratedly as women, and men too much as men. Husbands are gifted the electric shavers they never use, women are routinely given bottles of perfume.

A memorable present would speak to that elusive entity, the secret self. Because the secret self is hard to find, gift-givers concentrate on the self's more obvious parts. A golfer gets golf balls, a dandy

son our relatives and friends imagine us to be - wearers of stylish clothes, good with gadgets, lovers of books, fond of bric-a-brac. Gifts that fail to address our complexity are potentially unpleasing. Even with books, The Joy of Cooking or The Joy of Sex, a best-selling novel or a coffee-table book has its own time and place.

Our gifts parody people; we treat women too exaggeratedly as women, and men too much as men. Husbands are gifted the electric shavers they never use, women are routinely given bottles of perfume.

A memorable present would speak to that elusive entity, the secret self. Because the secret self is hard to find, gift-givers concentrate on the self's more obvious parts. A golfer gets golf balls, a dandy gets silk scarves, a drinking man bottles of Scotch.

There is really no substitute for serious thinking and planning, if you want to give a memorable gift. No wonder, there is developing among us the common practice of giving cash, instead of articles. This saves all the bother of headscratching and buying; the decision to choose is left with the receiver. And, in these inflationary times, the cash always looks more impressive than what it would buy.

Some cynics may well ask: why give gifts at all when it is such a perilous business? But, then, a non-giver has to put up with a somewhat barren existence, lower in fun and spirit.