Difficult or “Critical” Conversations can make the difference between success or possible failure for your business or for you as a manager. Poor communication is at the core of 70% of stress experienced at work and consistently creates obstacles for the accomplishment of your major business or career goals. Two things can create the opportunity for managing this personal and interpersonal challenge. Awareness of habitual responses that have sabotaged your communications is the first step and then practicing certain skills will offer you the ability to break out of old, negative patterns enabling you to succeed more easily where you may have struggled in the past.

Let’s start with creating awareness that will help you to break out of your negative, self-defeating patterns. At the very core, is understanding how you habitually respond to difficult communications. Do you get so stressed out that you stop problem solving and just create “knee jerk” responses that can make difficult situations worse? When we get stressed we often react with two primitive survival responses: Fear or Anger. Neither of these will promote positive outcomes. Controlling, or at least managing, your stress response is one of the first things you can do to promote better outcomes. Since everyone responds in their own unique and habitual way to stress, then you must begin the process with going “internal” to observe, understand, and control your own stress response pattern. (I have written other articles, in fact, books on this topic. See Guide to Stress Reduction for more information.) But in case you do not have the time to study up, start by taking a deep, slow breath. Pause after you inhale and then exhale slowly and completely. Relax your jaw! Relax your neck/shoulders. Smooth your forehead. Slow down and become more fully present. Repeat these slow breaths two or three more times until you can begin to feel yourself starting to “let go.” This will take practiced repetition but can be used as you plan and then enter into critical conversations.

Be aware of what you really want from this interaction. Plan and then visualize the most positive outcome. Practice seeing it happen (if you have the time.) If you are confronted and do not have time to plan, then take charge by saying that you are not prepared to have this interaction at this moment, and then schedule it at a more appropriate time. At the very least, do not get “sucked in to the drama” by reacting. Use your breathing technique to slow things down and to keep from falling into old negative patterns. Know what your ideal outcome would look like and expect this to happen (do not dwell on the potential disasters.)

If possible, study or know the “intentions” of your communication partner. If you are unclear, start by controlling the conversation. “Back up” and ask the questions that will allow your communication partner to reveal their “agenda” (including their fears and their expectations.) You do not have to “cave in” to their emotional or personal needs, but it may be helpful to really feel their position. As an exercise, understand how you or your position may have contributed to their concern (or their issues.) Look to the future, knowing your attitude toward your partner and the situation, and then do not fall into the trap of trying to defend yourself or past shared experiences. Treat this interaction as an entirely new event that can have the most positive outcome for all concerned. You may not be able to achieve this to everyone’s complete satisfaction, but you can be flexible with your responses, demonstrating respect and better understanding of their position. If you have contributed to the obstacles to positive resolution, find a way to acknowledge this situation and then move in a more appropriate direction for finding a workable solution. “Digging in your heals” may not offer the best long term answers or give you the best chance of finding the most appropriate final answers.

The concept of demonstrating respect for your communication partner’s position does not mean that you accept it. It means that you understand their stance on this issue and will honor that they may have an opinion that is contrary to the position that you may have. There is no “absolutely” right way or only one solution to an issue. There may be group problem solving that will involve some appropriate compromises that allow for contributions from all of the people concerned…The negotiation necessary for a successful outcome at work depends on respect, professionalism, and managed emotions. Get input from all concerned participants and exhaust all alternatives before agreeing upon a solution.

Finally, it is best to create a realistic quantifiable result that all of the participants agree upon and will be accountable for achieving. Set reasonable and agreed upon timelines. Establish methods for ongoing communication, and checkins, for moving to the agreed upon, desired result.

So let’s review some of these main tips:
Control/manage your levels of stress (and your emotional responses)
Be aware, and not a victim, to your habitual response pattern
Be clear on what you would like from the critical conversation and see a positive outcome
Respect other people’s position even if you do not agree
Understand what role you may have played in past negative outcomes
Look for input and viable compromise
Develop a measurable result that all participants agree upon and are accountable for producing

These are some of the basic steps in a program which will lead you to managing your habitual responses and getting results in “Crit